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4:51am - 18th March 2012
Excerpt-ion
Padabog na tatayo si Nikka, kukuhain ang bouquet of flowers at handbag. Mapapansin ni Ace ang bulaklak. Ace Iikot si Nikka sa kinatatayuan. Nikka Ace Nikka Ace Nikka Ace Nikka Isasara nang malakas ang pinto sa paglabas ni Nikka. Mafufrustrate si Ace sa nangyari, ibabagsak ang katawan sa kama at sisigaw. ————————— Now, how HOW HOWWW will I make the whole shit PD-heavy? And wala pang nakukuhang Nikka dahil nagbackout yung una. Mamayang 6PM na to. Pootsa. Maawa ka Bathala. Ples lang. Huhu. ***ETA: Na-move yung shoot. Anek. Pangalawa na to. PEROPEROPERO may legit actors na ko woohooo go UP Rep ahaha. PD things na lang, PD thiiiiiingsss. Bathalaaaaa.
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7:44pm - 12th March 2012 There are a lot on my list of things-to-blog-about but right now, the exponential decrease of my motivation to do better in school and the inevitably growing wolf of disappointment from everyone just waiting around the corner to eat me seems like the appropriate topic. Too many times, I’ve asked myself and, more often, the people around me where to get the motivation to do something, anything, not particularly the always-whined-about school work but just the simplest things—even as simple as getting out of bed after waking up. It’s not that I can’t push myself out of bed because I can do that (with much effort of course). It’s not that. It’s just that I want to know what matters to them. And whenever I hear their answers, I always notice how far my priorities are from most people’s and it leaves me feeling alone and selfish and stupid. There’s a difference between ‘I don’t want to go to school’ and ‘I don’t want to be in school’. When people say the former, I think they mean they want the people but not the work. Still, they go to school. They have to go for their parents, or for their dream of getting a degree and getting a decent job after. That’s good. When I say the latter: I want the people and the work but not the grades, not the degree, not the system. So I don’t go. I don’t because I hate the pressure of grades, of deadlines, of comparing myself with others. Because I already know I’ll never be on time, never be as high, never be as good. I don’t go. I am that selfish. And it’s sad. I know my parents and relatives sacrifice so much, so much, to pay for my school tuition and yet I pay them back with tardiness in school, with failure in everything, just because I resent the school system of grades and names. I mean, what kind of person does that? Knows the greatness of its value but throws it away? I say it’s the selfish kind. The stupid kind. And it’s sad. Because, being more cliche than ever, I just want happiness. I want to be free. From rules. From titles and labels. From religion. From prejudices. From society’s definition of beauty and money and everything. But knowing that to be free from all of those is far from being possible as no-one can function outside of a society, I just want to learn. Right now, at this moment, I want to stop going to school and just learn. In my own pace. Without pressure, without deadline, I want to learn and make art. I want to fix my life and discover my self. Discover people. Make friends. Have more confidence. In myself and in people. Carpe diem. Make more art. Earn money for me and my family. For a house. For travelling. For a business, maybe. Because it might not be all about the money, but it is almost. Damn that stupid song. And it’s still sad. Because songs shouldn’t be stupid. But it is. And so is school. And so am I. Maybe the gradual-decrease-of-confidence-itis I acquired since I was 13 is just working on me full-time recently but whatever it is, it’s affecting me in a very wrong way. It’s like I’m falling into a hole where a black powerful, painful, destructive thing waits at the bottom and I’m fast approaching but I don’t quite know how soon the thing will strike me so panic eats away my insides and I die before I even get hit. Now I don’t even know if everything I said made sense because I actually honestly believe there is something wrong with me, with the way I think and the way I live. What I know is that I don’t have a clue how to fix my life, how to untangle the strings or just how to move on from the mess that is the present. But whatever, right? It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Just keep calm and carry on? Easy-peasy, just go with the flow, all that shit and c’est la vie? Right? Right?
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4:31pm - 2nd March 2012
In 57 minutes…
Blindfolds will replace our glasses. FR. Fucking Ridiculous.
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11:46am - 26th February 2012 Mayday! Mayday! First time ever. Must go again. MUST. Stupid tasks be damned. I should have enjoyed it. Instead. Fucking tired. And hungry. Inconsiderate people. I can live there forever. And ever. With Obey posters. And fantastic graffiti. And post-rock. Contemporary art. The Walkietalkies. Ivan Theory. Techyromantics. Wilderness. Pocket Full Of. Ciudad! And life. And love. Sigh.
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1:29am - 24th February 2012
Challenges accepted.
I don’t like googling ‘100 things to do before you die’ or ‘the ultimate bucket list’. It feels less personal and less relevant. But I dare you to suggest
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